Crohn's Disease Forum » Support Forum » Partners, Family, Friends & Caregivers » Boyfriend wont tell me anything about his Crohn's

07-11-2013, 08:12 PM   #1
Kennedy's Avatar
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Boyfriend wont tell me anything about his Crohn's

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 4 years we are both 17(almost 18). I have known him since 1st grade. He has had Crohn's since he was 12 he never talks to me about his Crohn's at all he won't he tell me if he feels sick he pretty much comes up with another excuse and always have to find out what's wrong from our friends it's ridiculous. I go over when he is sick and we chill but he is constantly trying to hide it like just acting like nothing's wrong even though I know he feels like crap. He won't even tell me sometimes when he is in the hospital I literately find out from his mom when she ask why I haven't come seen him. Every time I try to ask him stuff like how did his doctor appointment go and stuff I usefully get a fine and then he changes the subject. I'm just kinda tired of it and I feel like as his girlfriend I should know about I mean we are having a baby and we are going to be living together I just think I should know a little bit more about what's going on. I understand its a embarrassing disease and a scary one at times but we have known each other so long and I love and care about him. Just please if you have any advice on what to do I would greatly appreciate it
07-11-2013, 08:55 PM   #2
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afidz's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2012
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Hello again Kennedy
Coming from a person that has Crohn's, you have to give him space to work it out on his own. He will come to you when he is ready. Just be there for him in the best way that you can, even if its silently cuddling on the couch on a bad day.
But at the same time, I see your point and frustration. There has to be a line somewhere in the middle. Maybe have a sit down talk, talk to him about how your feeling and try and reach a sort of joint conclusion on how things like this will be dealt with in the future.
I hope you find a way to communicate with eachother soon
Crohn's since 2007
15 Abdominal Surgeries since 2008
Severe Non-repairable abdominal hernia
Ankilosing Spondylitis
Inflammatory Arthritis

Failed meds:
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07-11-2013, 11:07 PM   #3
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sickofcrohns's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Toronto, Canada
Communication is key in any relationship. You will need to let him know that you would like to be there for him, but when he doesn't tell you about health issues that are affecting your life as a couple, you feel like he's pushing you away. (I hope I've understood your message correctly!) This is the kind of issue that is hard to address but you need to do it in order for your relationship to grow. If he is going to step up and be a real partner, he needs to be able to discuss his feelings with you, including the unpleasant ones, whether they come from Crohn's or not.

It is not OK for one partner to kill intimacy slowly by refusing to discuss what he (in this case) feels is a failing or weakness. He may want to be "manly" and protective, shielding you from his stress -- he may not even be aware that his behaviour is actually stressing you out more and preventing you from reducing his stress. He needs to know that his behaviour is affecting how you feel, and that how you feel affects how you behave towards him.

Anyway, this is definitely something that you two need to start talking about. It doesn't have to be all at once and should not be when either of you are tired or burnt out. But you need to start and practice communicating about uncomfortable stuff -- it's a basic relationship skill.

Good luck!
07-11-2013, 11:37 PM   #4
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: New York

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He may be afraid you will leave him or he doesn't want to burden you. He also might not be one to talk about things and doesn't want people feeling sorry for him. You know him best but id sit down and say you care and want to be there alongside him and support him but need to know what's going on to do so.
07-15-2013, 11:26 PM   #5
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TheyCallMeRC's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Auburn, Georgia
I have had crohns for 18 years and still find parts of it embarassing and uncomfortable to talk about. I can tell you that I became open to more people that werent so pushy and let me talk about it in my on way and when I felt like it. There are more times when he will feel like talking but during a flare up it can make you want to shield yourself from anyone including people close to you that know a lot about your situation.

One other thjng that I cant stand is people trying to treat me or telling me what I can do or eat. I am a grown boy and I can make my own decisions. I cant explain it but when you are having a bad day it makes u feel guarded.

So dont take it personal, its not you. Just offer support and tell him you are there for him and in time he will become comfortable and share with you.

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