IBD and Starting A Relationship

Hi there,

Just a wee query that ive been thinking about lately.

For those of you out there who were single when diagnosed with IBD. When you started seeing someone... how did you tell them about your toilet issues and how did they react?

im currently single but was seeing someone not long ago and I decided I didn't need to tell her about my ibd then when she was using my toilet in my house I nearly kicked the toilet door in and threw her off the throne haha.

anyway I didn't tell her about my condition for a fear that she would think it was horrible (even though she probably wouldn't).

but im just really curious to know how you broke the news to your girlfriend or boyfriend and how they took the news and how did the help? if atall?

thanks

Nicky

I've been married for over 14 years, so it's been a long time since I've dated. The first time my husband brought me over to his apartment for dinner I had to go to the bathroom. When I flushed the toilet it started flooding all over the floor. I yelled for him to help me and when he came in I had the top off and was holding the lever trying to keep the toilet from running. Unknown to me, it wasn't me that flooded the toilet but my husband's room mate. The room mate was sent out to get a mop and bucket and was laughing because he knew that it was him who caused the accident and not me!

Needless to say, after that excitement it wasn't long till we discussed my situation. He didn't quite understand except that I took medication and at times needed the bathroom urgently.

Hi Nicky

I'd be the last person to offer advice on dating... except maybe if I could offer a course on what doesn't work. I took myself out of the dating game because of my disease... even after I went into remission. I was too petrified to try it because I didn't have faith in my treatment. I wasted a lot of time... then, figured since I'd been in remission for years, I had a future... and the notion of finding someone to share it with appealed to me.

So, I tried dating... online dating... seems to be all the rage these days, and it afforded me a sense of 'efficiency'... and since I am slightly older than dirt... I figured why waste even more time. And, with that in the forefront of my mind (why it is in the front I don't know... there is plenty of space to move around).. I began 'dating'. What a freaking... disaster. Actually, numerous disasters... dating isn't easy.. AND.. I complicated things by telling potential partners upfront (I didn't want to waste their time.. or my own) of my IBD. Bear in mind, I was still in remission at the time... thought IBD was ancient history for me. Through multiple trial and error... I finally did meet someone... someone who did not run away at the 1st mention of my IBD. And we hit it off... and things were going real nice... Then it ended. No harm, no foul, no hard feelings. We remained friends, but as far as a long term relationship... it was close, but no cigar. A failed relationship, even when it ends cordially, is emotionally traumatic. On top of that, my oldest son and I got into a big fight... even more emotional conflict. And, at work, the rumor mill was in high gear saying our company was being sold. All of this was going on... then I caught a bad flu... lasted two weeks... then it stopped... and so did my remission. The 'scientists' say that they can't link depression, emotional turmoil, etc., to IBD. Despite numerous studies. I don't know... every flare of mine seemed to arise after some emotional upset or turmoil.

So, maybe relationships are too risky for this old man. Besides, once I lost my remission, I figured... why saddle someone with the likes of me.. with my incurable disease? Right?

I've since re-thought that. Couple of reasons... my surgeon tells me that he can cure me. And, a dear friend pointed out that life is fleeting, I 'know' what I have (at the moment), but I've no guarantee that I'll have a tomorrow... or what the future might hold for any 'apparently healthy' partner. Life is a crap shoot.. we have what we are given, and can only make the best of it. And, yes, there may be risks involved in a 'relationship'. But that holds true for healthy people too. My method of efficiency, trying to fast track things... in retrospect is probably one of my most stupid ideas (I 'thought' not divulging it immediately was... dishonest)... so I wouldn't recommend following in my dumb footsteps.

Take your time... give yourself and the person you date time to acclimate to each other. I think taking a patient, slow approach perhaps might have changed my current situation. Hindsight is always 20/20. I 'think', because of my age, I wanted to make the most of my time.... and instead I wasted the past few years, and possibly contributed to the loss of my remission.

Anyway, these past 7 months, since my IBD came back, I've had no choice but to take my life one day at a time... Before I got ill this time, I was still dating... meeting people, nothing serious. I had a 1st, then a 2nd date with this one lady... then I got sick again. I told her of my relapse... and we continued to communicate... regularly for the past 6+ months. Today was a good day... she invited me to an afternoon movie... and I went. My body behaved itself... and ... we both had a very nice time. There might be a 4th date.

Or, I might die in my sleep... but at least I had a great time with a lovely lady today...

I'm single and not dating, also undiagnosed. But my approach is to be upfront and frank at the outset.

Better to lose someone in the early days who you don't really know/care for yet than someone you really like.

That's just my approach to life in general though

I find honesty to be the best policy. I'm very upfront about my Crohn's, and I've never dated anyone I wasn't friends with before, so I've never had to worry about it. By the time things got to that point, they already knew. All my friends, coworkers, and even managers are aware of my condition.

I've never had anyone have any issue with it, either. Aside from one college professor, no one has ever had any negative reaction (at least to my face). A lot of men seem to find it strangely endearing, really.