Relationships and IBD

Hi just wondered if any of you had any relationship troubles along the way with this disease . . . if you pushed your partner away? had trouble getting people to understand? had enough of whats going on and spoke to people like crap? feel you changed? or have you had to end relationships cos the basics of someone else's stresses are too much for you? Any answers will help? :ybatty:

I somehow end up in long distance relationships. Apparently it's easier because then I don't have to deal with my crohn's so much with them. But then they end up failing anyway because of the distance. You have no idea how much I miss physical contact with someone. Maybe I should try and get out more to meet people. I also tend to go for insecure people, which doesn't help.

I've never really had problems with people trying to understand my illness from a physical point of view. A lot don't really understand what effects the disease has had mentally on me, especially from what I went through when I was very young.

im in a long distance realtionship with my girlfriend it makes it harder in that sense because i cant see what mood shes in i have to tell from her voice or text, we been together for five years and shes on the verge of possibly geting diagnosed at any time. I feel as if she is slipping away from me and this disease is sucking her in little bit by little bit, shes more angry, more short fused, more less udnerstadning, more stubborn, sometimes i feel as if i should take it if she talks to me like c rap because she is ill . . . and i can take her moods up until a certain point. i mean shes amazing its jst latley where its been rlli bad it takes a knock on effect . . . i need help understadning or something . . . . . i feel alone.

is it worth having a realtionship if it causes stress for the person suffereing from the illness?

I don't think there should be stress or tension in any relationship period - weather your sick or not

crohns isn't the best thing too have while attempting too date or start a relationship etc
I'm currently single and prob will be for some time
dating etc isn't on my high priority list, too hard with flares etc
plus can't dissapoint ya partner when u miss out on doing things cos ur sick

I don't think there should be stress or tension in any relationship period - weather your sick or not

crohns isn't the best thing too have while attempting too date or start a relationship etc
I'm currently single and prob will be for some time
dating etc isn't on my high priority list, too hard with flares etc
plus can't dissapoint ya partner when u miss out on doing things cos ur sick

very true, they aint always easi tho r they. . . . and sumtimes stres and tention is inevitable. i hope u get better soon guys

the stress of my illness definitely contributed to my exhusband and i splitting up... i guess it could go either way, either bring you together or split you apart.... i find it extremely difficult now to date because i have so little energy and most days i just don't feel well enough to go out.

sorry to hear that, my girlfriends like that she has no energy half of the time where she used to be so engergetic i know she hates it. its amazing at the emotions that accompany the disease, would never have imagined they would at first.

I don't think there should be stress or tension in any relationship period - weather your sick or not

crohns isn't the best thing too have while attempting too date or start a relationship etc
I'm currently single and prob will be for some time
dating etc isn't on my high priority list, too hard with flares etc
plus can't dissapoint ya partner when u miss out on doing things cos ur sick

I believe that my relationship with my ex ended because of my illness, we drifted apart because he didnt believe me, wouldn't listen, wouldn't help or support etc.
And I have to say, I didn't help neither, I have a mouth on me, and was moody and miserable, and in pain etc, so it festered on and on-arguments galore!
I believe if you really love someone, and worship the ground they walk on, you would jump thro hoops to support that person, alas, mine didn't, he was such a soul sucker, so for my own well being, I dumped him, after 28 years.
My advice, my pearls of wisdom?
TALK!
Effective communication is the key to success
Tell her how YOU feel, and then LISTEN to what she's got to say and how she feels, after 5 years, you still have a lot going for you both.
wishing you both good luck
Joan xx

thank joan xx im tyrin gto do everything i can to support her but if i give an answer its not the one she wants it aint good enuf . . . :-( i try to listen and to talk but its like what i say is shit to her! im banging my head agasint a brick wall i raint perfect and i cant agrevate sumtimes i admite that but this stupid horrible thing is sucking her away day after fuking day and we aint working together to over come it its breaking us apart and i rlli dnt want that.

U know,i think my illness has really affected my marriage.I am really pulling away from my husband.I feel like im not as confident as I used to be.I also feel like he dont understand what I am going through, and thinks I am making alot of it up and being a baby about it.I have alot of resentment twards him right now.BUT..he is my husband and we will work through it.I do know one thing for sure and that is that he loves me.When you are suffering from an illness, the best medicine is somebody that loves you.So I think the work is totally worth it.That is why they put "through sickness and in health" in wedding vows!

you know i htink your realli right, if you love someone with evrythign then you stick with them through whatever no matter how hard or how rough you fight through it together. I'll stick with my girlfriend through anyting that comes out way, it wont be easy but if it was easy then it wouldnt be worth the fight.

this disease is horrible physically, and emoitonally too it really pulls people all over the place, i cnt begin to imagine how i would feel going through it all. my girlfriend is more beautiful than ever to me than the day i met her, i love her more wit every kiss and hug and i wouldnt ever be without her. she will probabaly end up reading this because she comes on this site a lot, i might get shouted at lol . . . or i may not however you guys that have to live everyday with chrons or uc and all its side effects really are amazing anf brave, and although your loved ones who aren't sufering the same as you ight not understand to the full extent they're there for those vital hugs you needs, those words of support and those times to hold you hand and times may get hard but i bet you any money your partners still love you and fancy you like crazy. and i love you alwyas and forever to the very very end of time.

There you go, you're on the right tracks!
I believe that once your girlfriend gets a definate diagnosis and a gastro and on the right meds, she will start to overcome her fears, it is the not knowing what is the matter with her that is frightening the life out of her. the only person that she can vent that frustration and resentment at, is you, I'm afraid.This is one helluva scary disease!
Your girl is very lucky, in some respect, that she has someone as caring and loving as you, and although you are doing the right thing by talking, I'm afraid you're gonna have to bite your lip, and ride this storm,
It is hard for the other partner to really understand any of this disease, and I'm sure you've read up on all the info on Crohns or UC? Have a nosey round the forum.
I didn't get a diagnosis for 15 years, and really was in a dark place and lost.
I'm sure once she has her diagnosis, things will change for the better, and I'm also sure she would rather have you in her life than be alone with Crohns.
Hang on in there, there is light at the end of this tunnel
Joan xx

Sadly my second wife left me the day after I got out of the hospital from my second resection. She told me she just couldn't deal with it any more. It was devastating. That was 11 years ago. I have had crohn's since I was 7 and I am 44 now. My current wife is a RN and understands the disease, she also referred me to a good psychiatrist. My anger was overwhelming and had been brewing for years. Even now with the help I find myself pushing away from people. I guess it helps that she works the night shift. I am very comfortable by myself...yet there are days I hate feeling so alone. Make up my mind right? Well...that's how it is...push and pull. Not sure if that helps or not. Now I understand that my anger has nothing to do with her...and I am able to tell her that I am not in a good place right now and she gives me room...sometimes that is just enough for me to come around. Sometimes it takes longer. I hid my depression for a long time, until my wife caught me crying in the shower. That's what broke it wide open. Be there for them..but don't be their punching bag either. Allow them to be angry but not at you...it is a difficult disease physically and mentally. Understand you can't fix them but you can be there for support. Hope this helps a little...I just know I am lucky to have found someone who really gets it.

Ha Ha Basketcase!
been there, done that, got LOADS of T shirts!
All you need is love, love is all you need! good old John Lennon
Also, being a junkie doesn't help does it? Some of the meds we're on really mess with your pyche

Hey Justice!
there's a reason your second wife didn't make it into your future, so glad you're happy now tho
Weird isn't it how we want to be alone, but not alone? And giving each other space is the success to a good relationship, I think. just til you 'come out of it'
I have finally found a new partner, one who 'gets it' and it's fab, don't want him to be my crutch, just understand, and he does

besta luck to you both
Joan
xx

It's just been one more log on the fire for me. Same S#1t different cause.

I think it is all about how we deal with adversity and challenges more than how we deal with "Crohn's" I don't know if being a female makes it more difficult for intimacy, but I do know that being a jerk sometimes just comes with the whole being born thing and we have to work with what we got, some of us morso that others

I don't care if your just starting a relationship, been in one long term, just married or married forever, CD causes problems. Pain, anxiety, depression, anger, fear, insecurities and doubt are just a few that I have ecperianced. Doesn't matter if you haven't yet been diagnosed or you have had it for 30 yrs, your partner normally gets the brunt of your feelings. Depending on the person is how well they handle our feelings and moods. Even the best partner will have a breaking point. Words tend to be said at times that aren't really meant and someone gets hurt by them.
Maybe she is just lonely and the fear and depression is just getting to her and because you are apart she is lashing out when she really just would like to have you there to comfort her. Maybe she wishes you where there to be able to hold her and and give her words of encouragement and to have you there to stand by her as she goes through all the tests and bad spells she is experiancing. What type of support does she have where she's at?
Good luck and stay strong.

I am lucky my husband has a sense of humor and he thinks that farts are funny. lol.

He also doesnt let me feel too sorry for myself which helps.

I push people away. I clam up and retreat inside myself. I get angry and take it out on people close to me.

but what i am trying to say is I will tend to get like that with all life's unpleasant challenges, not just Crohn's. Its something I have to always try and work to improve and keep in check. Thats what I meant by, "its more than just a Crohn's thing". Its a whole life kind of thing. We all have to deal with it to some degree now and then.

Between constant pain and being on steroids for the better part of 10 years, I know Crohn's has definitely effected my relationships, esp. my marriage. Fortunately my husband is a real gem. He is patient and tries to understand what I'm feeling, which isn't easy for sure.
I can really relate to Kenny, I was exactly the same-pushing people away, clamming up and taking it out on people I love. I've had to make a conscious effort to be aware of my moods and I try to explain how I feel now.
You can't be too hard on yourself, just take relationships one day at a time. I try to apologize right away if I realize I'm being a turkey. Just recently I was so mean to my best friend, telling him off and in the middle of my rant he hugged me and said, "It's O.K. I know this isn't you." and it just cut me so deep because it really pi**es me off to think this disease can control me.

I know that me having Crohns ended my first marriage, When I first started getting sick and no one could figure out what was wrong, I would go to the Dr's and the ER in pain all the time and they basically acted like I was faking it, Well my husband never came right out and said he thought I was faking it but his actions were proof enough, I remember so clearly days where I would be balled up on the floor crying and begging him to take me to the ER I hurt so badly, and he would get mad at me for making him take time out of his day to take me, we got in fights all the time because the kids would need something and I would be balled up on the couch in pain and ask him to do it, and he would look at me like how dare I ask him to stop doing what he was doing when I was basically laying there doing nothing, well after I got a abscess and it busted He took me to the ER that night and then next morning they removed it, then the surgeon came in and told me I had Crohns and if he didnt operate more I was going to die that day, That day he took most of my colon out and so much more that its too long to go into, But after the surgery when I woke up my husband started crying and telling me how sorry he was for not believing me, AT that point though the damage was already done, I was to angry with him and resented him to much for all that he did and didnt do during that time...But all in all it was a good thing, I am now married to the most wonderful man in the world, He is very supportive of what happens with me, He knows when I need pampering and he knows when I just need to be left alone, But no matter waht he is ALWAYS by my side helping me fight this battle of Crohns.

Way to go Angee!

Mirror image of my marriage, but they've gone now, they are sooooo yesterday!
lotsa luv
Joan xx

My god after reading all that is there no hope? Was there one positive answer there at all? I had some trouble with boyfriend for a while when i was at my worst. He is probably the most patient person I have ever met and we worked through it. I'm only 18 and I probably don't know much about the world, but I think all above is just too pesimistic. I realised that me constantly being sorry for myself wasn't doing me any good. You have to grin and bear it!

Possibly Robyn

but as ya get older relationshis tend to take on a diffrent meaning

kids, bills, house mortgage etc all hav a big toll on relationships
also as people get older they tend to look at themselves an sometime question what they are doing or hav achieved etc
unfortunatly as you hav read above some people look at what they are doing an what they hav done etc an aren't happy or are scared with where they are headed or believed to be headed with a person with a cronic dissabilatating disease like ours, and decide it easier or better to split

not everyone is like that but as you have heard/read there are alot, it doesn't mean there isn't hope, just not hope with every relationship - a bit like normal relationships really, except crohnies just hav another hurdle to deal with

It is not all bad Blah. In my 15 years of Crohn's I have not had any relationship issues due to the disease.

I have always put it out there early. If they can't deal at least I know off the bat. My current relationship will be four years this year. Half that time I was in a flare up, just now getting back to normal. Just takes a lot of understanding from the other person which some people just can't deal with.

Robyn

You've got a lot to learn young Jedi

My husband has never seen me on pred before. He has seen the worst of it now and is confident he can weather the storm. Its a learning curve. He puts our daughter first and I love him for it. He takes her for a walk or something when I seem in a bad mood or if I am crying from the pred.

It does help that we set ourselves up to live off a single income. It takes a lot of pressure off of me. We made some sacrifices to be able to do this. We live in a modest home, own only one vehicle, all of our furniture and appliances are second hand, but we make it work and we are happy as a result.

Any money I make, we use for extras, like vacations, new stuff for the house, etc. My daughter is happy as a result too. Me staying at home with the kids was an important thing for both my husband and I. I am educated and I used to be an analytical chemist back when I had a career. I love being a mom and wouldnt trade this "career" for the world.

Anyway my point was that because I dont have to worry about other things like bills, mortgage, etc, it makes it easier to focus on myself and getting help for any issues mental or physical that may come up as a result of this disease.

My husband is supportive and he knows what this disease can do as he has seen the massive scars on my belly. He did have to think about it when we first started dating. He is in it for the long haul. It also helps that he has a lot of time off from his job. He works 4 days on and gets 5 days off. We spend a lot of time together and we get along great. We both share a lot of the same hobbies, which also helps. He truly is my best friend.

My symptoms started about 15 months ago. At that point, my wife and I had been together for about 8 years, married about 5. I have not been officially diagnosed but my most recent GI (my 3rd) is leaning towards "mild Crohn's". Mild is a relative term, but I do know whatever I have is not nearly as severe as what many of you have suffered with. At least so far. For me, the disease came after feeling lousy every day for 30 years from FMS, so it likely hit me mentally much harder than it might have had I been well all my life up to this point. The prospect of having to deal with "yet another" condition was (is) fairly depressing to me, and no doubt this made me a bit less than pleasant to be around at times (depressed, angry), though I always went out of my way to make it clear to my wife that I appreciated her support & was never upset with her or US. Justice mentions his wife finding him crying in the shower; when it began to be clear my sadness over this latest condition was having an adverse effect on my wife, I took to going out in the garage to cry, something which I eventually revealed to her. If she had told me she was driven to such a thing because of suffering which she had no control over, and because of my callous response to it, I would have been absolutely crushed and ashamed of myself. She did not respond at all. Long story short, about 6 months ago, we BOTH sat in the office of my 2nd GI & heard him say "I'm not sure what it is at this point, but it could be Crohn's disease or a tumor". 4 days after that, I got a call from my wife from the airport, where I THOUGHT she had gone for a business trip, telling me she was leaving me. That was it. No warning. No discussion. No options. Just RUN. In the ensuing 6 months, I've talked to her about 5 minutes on the phone & we have exchanged a handful of emails, mostly about the particulars of the divorce. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that this woman, who works for a non-profit organization which lobbies for disadvantaged children, could have been capable of such cold indifference to someone who had been nothing but kind to her and whose only crime was falling victim to a disease. To make matters worse, my health insurance is through her job, and it is now in jeopardy (in fact, the new insurer, Cigna, is threatening to cut me off already as a "pre-existing condition". All you Aussies, Canadians, Brits and others with similar universal health care schemes, no doubt your systems aren't perfect, but consider yourselves LUCKY!)

So to someone like Robyn who's just starting out, I wish you all the luck in the world, and I don't want to seem to be talking down to you, but there's a reason people tend to get more cynical with age, and it's not because the "milk of human kindness" flows in torrents. Some are luckier than others, there ARE selfless, decent people out there. But in my experience anyway, they are the rare exception, rather than the rule.

As I personlly prepare for my new addition to body, a sexy 10 inches (first time I will be able to say I have 10") I wonder how my wife will take it. I know she says she will be ok, but I am NOT so sure. I have shown her pics of me when I was younger and had one, and it bothers her to see them. I have told her I understand if she can not handle it and todl her that I will support any desicion she makes. Life to short to worry about others, and if they can not deal with it. It is NOT our choice to have this, I am sure we could all think of other things we would want, so what can you do. There is someone for everyone and that will except us for who we are. I mean think of all the positives we know where all the cleanest restrooms are, we can quickly look at a menu and choose what we want to eat, we ALWAYS have plenty of toliet paper, the seat is ALWAYS down Hey not everyone can be a perfect ass

I haven't had many relationships because I'm still quite young myself, but I haven't had any problems so far with people treating me differently because I have crohn's disease. Every guy that I have dated has been genuinely curious and very understanding. So it's not a waste of time You just have to keep looking for that special someone is all.

Hi David
This is so sad, but all too familiar!
I can only reiterate your last paragraph to all the young uns just starting out, and as Rob quite rightly points out, there is a lot to learn about life, relationships, employment, children etc
And it takes sheer bloody hard work, balls and stamina! and a long time!
And pessimism is not the word, cynisism is!

Lydia said:

My husband is supportive and he knows what this disease can do as he has seen the massive scars on my belly. He did have to think about it when we first started dating. He is in it for the long haul. It also helps that he has a lot of time off from his job. He works 4 days on and gets 5 days off. We spend a lot of time together and we get along great. We both share a lot of the same hobbies, which also helps. He truly is my best friend.

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This made me smile

First........I am sad for all you wonderful people that have had troubles in relationships because of this illness.

I, thankfully, have the most supportive and understanding wife in the world.

I think I'd be dead if not for her.

Barbara, my wife, is a selfless person. We have been married for 28 years and she has been through all of my health issues right along my side.

We've grown closer because of my health problems, believe it or not.

If ever, God forbid, she needed me I would gladly offer up my life for her.

She is a truly wonderful person. Thanks Barb.

Astra101 said:

And pessimism is not the word, cynisism is!

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Yes, cynicism born of realism.

"A Cynic is a disappointed Idealist" George Carlin

One of my favorite quotes, which fits me to a "T".

Hi everyone. I'm new here. My girlfriend was reading this thread with me and it inspired me to join up. I don't have it, but she was diagnosed in high school. Our relationship is getting really serious and I love her so much it hurts. She means everything to me. Shortly after we started dating she "came out" to me as having Crohn's. My first reaction was surprise that she would think that would be a problem for me. Frankly I think anyone who would reject someone for a disease that's not contagious is a dispicable human being. It's not her fault, why would I punish her for it? Now, I have to admit I was rather unlearned about the disease, but regardless, now that I'm more informed it doesn't change how I feel about her. She's going through her first flare-up of our relationship, and it is hard seeing her in pain and crying so much, but being another woman, it's helps being able to empathize and comfort her. I just wish I could do more. Sometimes I forget where I can and can't touch her, and I feel sooooo horrible about it. She never yells at me though, and many times SHE apologizes for feeling sick, which astounds me. How can I get it through her head that I adore her and no amount of illness will ever drive me away?

kairielise - My wife is irrefutable evidence that simply being female does not automatically make one empathetic. I have to say experience has taught me that as with most human characteristics, there is more variation among people of the same gender than between the genders themselves.

The best thing you can do for your partner is BE THERE. Consistently. Over time, she will come to trust that you will always be around. That and COMMUNICATE. Be as open as you can be. No doubt there will be times your girlfriend will be angry & depressed, don't take it personally. But don't be afraid to say something about how you are feeling too. Share.

These are all the things my wife DIDN'T DO, so if you keep to them, you should be fine!

Oh wow -- thankfully I didn't have to experience those really bad things in terms of relationships. I was diagnosed while I was single and met my current boyfriend on the recovery. I told him from the get-go but was still rather embarrassed about the flare-ups, the constant running and (oh, lordy) the smell when I blow up a bathroom. But, so far so good -- in the most general terms. We do have a lot of problems but not necessarily Crohn's related.

@David: Cigna cutting you off? Is that insurance offer through your employer? I thought they cannot "cut" you off per se but only put a waiting period on it for either 3 or 6 months? And, if so, would you be able to cover that amount of time by buying into Cobra with your (ex) wife's insurance? I know it is very expensive but better than no coverage at all and with Crohn's there is just no way of telling when you need insurance. And, I think that there is government help who would cover some 65% of Cobra, although I think that ended on 3/31/10. At least that is what my employer told me in terms of eligibility when they laid me off 3 days ago. I am not sure if I was supposed to be enthusiastic about this particular part.

My husband and i have been together 15 years, and he also has health problems i cant begin to understand, so we are there for each other, but dont push it too much.
Ive been so tired the last few days and he's really looked after me, i really cant face eating either, and he allways notices before i do if im loosing weight lol, so he'll just ask gently if im doing ok and if i need help with anything, and is a star. And when i know hes not good, i do the same for him.
He's seen me down to a size 8 and blown up to a 14 and allways give me the love i need, my other major support is my dogs, when im feeling down they will come and cuddle me

I think it must be hard when you have not been with someone long to try and deal with it and explain it, i guess we have been together so long, we just flow along with it

My girlfriend is supportive, although she has only been with my when I was in remission. I told her that if/when it does come back she can leave me, or distance her self/put things on hold but she was having none of it.

I'm not scared that when it does come back she'll leave me, I'm scared that when it does come back she'll stay with me and it'll drag her life down.

When I had suspected lymphoma - a type of cancer, I knew she wouldn't leave me - and I know theirs a high fatality rate. I planned to tell her that I had cheated on her so she would leave me, and after I would tell her that I had cancer. Luckily it turned out to not be what the doctors originally thought.

This is alittle funny but the only trouble Ive had with relationships and crohns is staying the night at my ex's during a Flare. lol lets just say the wrong fireworks went off

My husband has been very careing and helps talk to my girls alot when they don't understand whats happending to me, or my mood swings, or my pain ect. We have been through alot in our 13 years of marriage, but I would say that his being in the military has affected our marriage more than anything elese. Him being gone all the time is very hard, but even worse now that I have Chron's, seems like things and stress is alot harder for me do deal with now and he tries to understand but never fully will. He leaves again for a year in a few months and I'm not sure how I will handle it, but I guess i just have to...sometimes we just have to deal, one day at a time.

Lydia said:

I am lucky my husband has a sense of humor and he thinks that farts are funny. lol.

He also doesnt let me feel too sorry for myself which helps.

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I think I married his brother! My husband laughs and then tries to out do me!

All I can say is, talk it out. Sometimes just saying that you need some space (someone else said that too) is the best thing. Mental, physical, emotional pain with the disease is just the facts. We all deal in our own way. Sometimes grumpy is the best we can do.

When I am having a really bad day/night and am in pain, I sleep in the guest room. My husband likes to touch me in his sleep and I just can't take him touching me when I hurt like hell, so instead of smothering him with a pillow, and sleeping in jail, I go to the other room. It has worked for us. Finding your way takes time.

Best of luck,
Michele

semicolon306 said:

As I personlly prepare for my new addition to body, a sexy 10 inches (first time I will be able to say I have 10") I wonder how my wife will take it. I know she says she will be ok, but I am NOT so sure. I have shown her pics of me when I was younger and had one, and it bothers her to see them. I have told her I understand if she can not handle it and todl her that I will support any desicion she makes. Life to short to worry about others, and if they can not deal with it. It is NOT our choice to have this, I am sure we could all think of other things we would want, so what can you do. There is someone for everyone and that will except us for who we are. I mean think of all the positives we know where all the cleanest restrooms are, we can quickly look at a menu and choose what we want to eat, we ALWAYS have plenty of toliet paper, the seat is ALWAYS down Hey not everyone can be a perfect ass

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LOL! I love this post! Thank you!
Michele

My boyfriend of 3 years was with me for 8 months when I was diagnosed. It's been hard, but somehow we've made it work. There are times he doesn't want to talk about things, wether it be what I'm dealing with (as I tend to talk about it alot) or what could become of it (sometimes I get paranoid).

I can see where he's coming from most of the time. That's why I can turn to my other friends or family, not to mention this forum!

Don't forget to give your other half breaks from the Disease. Just like you yourself need to take breaks from the stress it can bring, they need to have time away from it too.

Hope that helps. <3

I used to have bad relationships and a good colon.

And then my GI suggested I see a therapist to help me deal with having Crohn's shortly after my diagnosis.

So, in one fell swoop, I came to terms with my disease and why I had bad relationships.

Now I have a good relationship. And just a bad colon.

-Kathryn

I was with my partner for a year and a half before my symptoms really started showing themselves. I continued to apologise as i felt I was pushing him away, and sometimes I still feel like that and it makes him angry i feel that way. Its our 2 year anniversary on Tuesday and he says he loves me more than ever. I'm still young (20) and even if this doesn't last forever, its a good start on the relationship front. lol

Between the Crohn's and the Bipolar, I've pushed away all friends. I lean on my wife and family for support. Not entirely fair to them, I suppose.

well nytefyre im sure you know you can count on all of us at the forum here for support

my best friend in 8th grade and i had a falling out and she called me a diseased W**** from then on i didn't tell anyone and then i told my current boyfriend and he is very understanding and kinda protective of me especially when i get sick he makes me go into the clinic to get treatment right away

I've had Crohns for 29 years. My wife and I have been married for 25 of those years. We're still as much in love today as we were all those years ago. The ups and downs of my disease (and other life experiences) have only made us stronger.

My older brother has had Crohns for 31 years. He and his wife are still happily married after almost 30 years. When it comes to marriage, my brother and I had tremendous role models in our parents. They’ve been together more than 55 years.

So, happy long-term relationships are possible under almost any circumstances. Chose your partner well, and treat your partner the way you want to be treated.

SC

Love...

I was diagnosed at age 8, so I only know relationships with Crohn's Disease.

Yes, I've had good and bad. Some of the bad was due to Crohn's, some was due to my ex-husband being an abusive BLEEP!

And then there's my parents. Honestly, I understand where they're both coming from. I have no clue how my father put up with my mother's whining, or how my mother put up with my father's mistresses. All in all, my Dad (took me a long time to get back to calling him Dad) handled Crohn's pretty well. He knew Mom had Crohn's going in, but they went to a number of doctors to ask about passing it on and they all swore up and down that it wouldn't be passed on. Here I am and I'm very much a Crohnie! One week he had to deal with my mother having a blockage and then emergency surgery on Thursday and I had scheduled surgery on Friday. How he handled all that, I have no clue. Also, my father is one person out of only three in this world who can look at me and tell how miserable I feel. He's the pro at it.

I live with a wonderful man. Actually, today is our three year anniversary. Well, it's the anniversary of our first date. Yes, some might think we moved in together quickly, but it was right. His ex-wife is clinically insane and always had some fake ailment. Now he realizes how sick she really isn't as he sees how much I go through. He deals with my Crohn's Disease, I deal with his ex-wife's insanity.

He has three wonderful - most of the time - kids, and full custody of said kids. I made the decision when I was 16 that I wouldn't be having any kids of my own. I had my tubes tied when I was 22. Since then I took in a teenager - she's now 24 - as her home life was really not good and she needed someone to parent. She basically raised herself from 6th grade on, so I have mom'ed her as much as she'd accept. She pushed hard for a few years, but now calls me Mom and is the light of my life.

So my boyfriend's kids don't really understand much of the time that I'm really sick as they're used to their mother's BS, so there's some issues now and again. That I've been in the hospital three weeks over the past year has helped drive it home some, as did the first night I stayed here it was because I was rushed to the hospital and my boyfriend put his foot down that I was coming home with him.

Sometimes his (I love them as my own) kids don't understand why I just can't get up to take the dog (my service dog) out for walkies and they're a little freaked out about the possibility of surgery (might be heading that way very soon), but they're 17, 14 & 7! None of them have had any severe health issues, so they don't get it. Our 14 year old heard me say surgery and he suddenly is pushing away in a big way. He's really scared and said he wants to move in with his mother - not happening!

My daughter had cancer (ganglioneuroblastoma) when she was four, long before I got her. She had her gallbladder, spleen and the tail of her pancreas removed. Most of the tail grew back as she was so young. Due to all that disruption and removal in there in there, the poo part of her life is as screwy as a Crohnie's. Because of that, she and I have destroyed many a public rest room together and funked everyone out of my house!

All in all, I have to say I'm pretty lucky with those around me and in my heart. Yeah, there's some bad times, between the Crohn's, his ex and teenagers, but the good times are more than worth it.

I told my boyfriend (now husband) about my Crohn's Disease while we were still dating. He wasn't too familiar with the disease, so I had to enlighten him a little. He must of thought that he'd take a chance, as we got married only three months after meeting. We've been married for six years. We have our ups and downs, but I think our marriage is basically very successful. He's very strong and stable. That is something that I really need, as I am emotional and much more of a follower. I grew up with a strong/dominant father and protective older brother. It's embarrassing to say that they had definite ideas of what was men and womens' work. In many ways that lead to some of my helplessness. The guys in my life never let me do the heavy lifting, dirty work, or anything related to vehicles. When I was 19 years-old, one of my cousins hung out with me. While out one weekend my tire blew out. I was so shocked when my female cousin changed my flat tire. That really made me feel stupid.

My husband takes care of a lot of the heavy lifting and some of the dirty work, but he has taught me to be more independent and has shown me how to take care of things that used to be designated to my father or brother. I really needed somebody to push me in that direction. Scott lost his father when he was still relatively young and his mother has been alone. He said, "I don't want to leave you in a bad situation, or not knowing to take care of yourself, should something happen to me."

I think with any relationship, you need to be upfront about your disease. I was scared at first, but I have no regrets now. Scott loves me, but probably hates my guts. LOL! I hate my guts!

was with a guy for 3 yrs and he stood by me the best that he possibly could but he could never understand why i didnt feel attractive!!! thanks to all the meds i went from 52kg to 68 kg and i just felt awful.... I looked at my 4 sisters who are tiny and hated that they hadnt to go through the pain i did.. they had normal relationships where they could go places and not have to worry where the nearest toilet was!!!! :blush: still i get embarrased about some of the symptoms. The crohns eventually caused us to split up but now im in a relationship with a great guy.. we have our own house (no mortgage) and because he has a brother who suffers from the same as i do he completely understands that when i say i dnt wanna talk or i wanna be alone he just leaves me to it! like my grandmother used to say take the good with the bad and if the bad out weighs the good always rem that u had a good time at one time x

I've added a proper poll to this thread, feel free to vote away.

My IBD affected my relationship with my fiance at first, but now I feel we're at a place where it's allowing us to really bond at a deeper level and may in fact be strengthening our relationship.

David in Seattle
That is a very sad story. I too have had my GI continually say, I think you have mild crohn's, but " I just don't understand your colon". I would almost rather be told something bad and just know, than wonder.
My husband has seen me at my worst and I realize everyday how blessed I am to be w/ a man who accepts me for who I am and for the things I cannot control about myself.
I know someone in a similar situation w/ their spouse leaving them and taking them off their insurance...have you applied for Medicaid? That's another stress you don't need.:sorry:

Rob said:

I don't think there should be stress or tension in any relationship period - weather your sick or not

crohns isn't the best thing too have while attempting too date or start a relationship etc
I'm currently single and prob will be for some time
dating etc isn't on my high priority list, too hard with flares etc
plus can't dissapoint ya partner when u miss out on doing things cos ur sick

Click to expand...

hows this, my girlfriend has emetophobia ( here is a link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emetophobia ) pretty bad as a consequence of an overdose when she was much younger (as a consequence of being assaulted), I helped her though that period but now the phobia remains, with imuno suppressants as a distinct possibility in the near future for me i dont see how we will stay together unless i can make money from home and be capable of hibernating when flu and norovirus is in the air.

It can be stressful being together but over the years she has stood by me like no other and I like to think ive done the same for her.

Weve been together for 10 years and im 27, the thought of this disease separating us pulls me apart however I would advise being with someone to any of you, just make sure their the right person.
If we are forced to separate I can at least truly say i have loved and known love, that's a nice thing to be able to say/

I've answered crohn's has affected my relationships negatively... Nothing objective, but I have had a promising romance fizzle out once I revealed the seriousness of my condition, a relationship end due to too much stress (various factors, but one was certainly that at the time I had severe strictures and would throw up almost daily)... and with the current maze of setons decorating my backside I hardly dare go out and try my luck at dating. I so hate this illness.

We aren't as intimate as often as we would like but none of my boyfriends have ever thought that it was gross, too much of a hassle etc. My current boyfriend is very understanding and accepting.

I get very depressed at times, and have lost friends. No time for boyfriends.


But me and my parents are probably closer.

chrons has led me to become closer with my parents as well, and i felt like i could never possibly be in a relationship again, but honestly just try to stay positive because it really does get better.